So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
