FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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