You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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