I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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