There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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