Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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