3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
