I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
