Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
