My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
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