Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
