Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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