mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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