if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
