It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
My bed smells like the plague
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Randomize
