he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
