Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
