I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
