Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
You ate ashes out of my bong
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
