i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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