the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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