hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
