tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
