Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
