Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
