he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Randomize
