Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
