My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
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