she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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