I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
