So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
