Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
