dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
