my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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