using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
