I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
