I am puke
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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