I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
