watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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