shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
