If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
