I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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