Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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