We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
