No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
