you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
