This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
