Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
