Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Just puked most of my soul out..
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