You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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