Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
